YONGXIN

i'm not going to deny the fact that i was having a rough week. i cried a lot, i cried at little things. songs & pictures brings me down to a bucket of tears.

that was how bad it is.

but now, i was feeling slightly better, so much better.

i know a lot of people's going to say that crying is a weakness. i don't necessary agree with that though. i cry, knowing that i'm alive. i'm hurted, i'm bleeding inside. so what am i supposed to do?

there are times when i take a deep breath & suck it up, pretending everything's going to be okay. but there's a limit to that. & when that limit exceeded, that's when i break down. i hate crying in front of people, i do. but if i can't help it, then so be it. but most of the time, i cried behind closed doors, i cry for all i want, & then i'll clean myself up, take several deep breaths, fake a smile in the mirror & that'd be it.

yes, last week was pretty hard for me.

for those who've been there for me despite me chosing to keep to myself & keeping quiet about what i've been through, thank you for being so supportive throughout, it really means a lot to me & i really needed that. thank you to those who gave me so many kind words, love & encouragement on my Facebook wall & Twitter, i couldn't be more grateful.

i hold all of you very close to my heart, i do.

one of the many things that literally killed me that week is having my mom see me break down. yes, she saw that. & Mom, i want you to know that i'm sorry.

imagine having your daughter break down in front of you, being reduced to a bucket of tears, crying her heart out. imagine your daughter cry so hard, she's breathless.

that's what i'm going through. breaking down in front of the woman who brought me up, reduced to tears, crying my heart out & crying so hard that i felt breathless. i was going through hell 'cos my mom always thought i was all strong, & all she could do then was to wrap her arms around me, not saying a word, just letting me cry for all i want till i felt okay.

after, i felt grateful & calm, though i must admit, i still feel broken up inside. but knowing that there are people who cares makes you get back on your feet, & even if you know that they can't pick the broken pieces up, you know at least that they've tried. of course they do.

what kills me is having to know that you actually think that i behaved differently when you're around. but then again, i was told that if that's what you think, then you probably don't know me at all. a part of me is praying so hard that this is not true, 'cos for all you know, i'm hanging onto hope. don't you burst that hope.

this smoking gun of a mouth of mine has many victims to its name, but this time, it was your words that killed me. yes, your words.

this part of my life doesn't come with erasers at 1:03 PM

last night was... so whatever. a minute before it was midnight, i tried so hard to send a text & all i got was that it was being placed in my outbox (sending failed), it must be the busy network. & now, it's already 2010, & 2009's going to be so yesterday.

in 2009, i don't have any resolutions at all. & now in 2010, i'm not going to set any either. i prefer it like that, some rules are meant to be broken anyway. i'll make each day counts, no doubt. i'll love hard, play hard, do good deeds, make mistakes, & learn my lessons & be stronger than who i was when i was back in 2009.

i've come to realise that people hurt you, all the time.

there will be these group of people who will come into your life; they hurt you, break you, teach you a lesson & left you so broken that you thought you can't even pick the pieces up anymore.

& then, there's another group of people, who will come into your life, or that they're already in your life; to serve a purpose or two, taught you many lessons in life that you'll probably never come to know, help you to figure out who you are & be behind you, whatever it may be.

why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we have?

i had no idea too. but i know i ain't the only one like that.

this part of my life doesn't come with erasers at 9:15 PM

2 more days to the end of 2009, whereby the year 2010 will starts. i need a fresh start, not desperately though. i want to bring the good to the next year & continue with it, & as for the bad, they'll always be lessons learnt. right now, right here... i'm looking back at many memories (both good & bad) which will bring a smile to my face, which will bring tears to my eyes.

many people make up my 2009, many of them.

to my dearest Daddy & Mummy, i love you, always & forever. ever so encouraging & understanding, thank you for not choking me with any strict rules & regulations; for giving me room to make mistakes, so that i can fall, & from there, i picked up myself, learning to be more independent. Daddy & Mummy, what you both didn't know is that i didn't entirely picked myself up, you both helped too, indirectly, with words of kindness, helping hands, crying shoulders, long father-daughter or mother-daughter talks. it's just that, i don't think the two of you realised that you're always there when i need someone to fall back on.

if any of you happened to read this, or whatever it is, i want you to know that i think you both are the coolest parents one can ever had. Mummy, just check out Dad's (overly) tattoo-ed body from the neck down & you'll know what i'm saying. & Daddy, just check out Mummy's hugeass tattoo on her leg & you'll know what i'm saying. & thank you for being such role models; for giving me a complete family, for showing me that true love do exist because i'd say that you both are still madly in love with each other - so keep the love going. Daddy & Mummy, i love you, always & forever.

to the boy (or boys) whose heart i've (probably) captured & who've captured mine, please keep the memories captivating & beautiful. i will too, this, i'm certain. you've made me learned a lot of things. i've come to know that love is hard & life is strange, it is. but i told myself that everything is beautiful & nothing hurts. but it still hurts all the same. you made me think twice, you made me wonder how many people i've look at all my life & never seen.

i've fall, i've fell, i'm fallen. yes, but that doesn't mean i'm not trying anymore, & you know that.

some things don't last forever; but some things do. like a good song, or a good book. or a good memory you can take out & unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners & peering in close, hoping that you still recognise the person you see there.

thank you, boy, for i've become a stronger person. & i always do believe. & whenever i felt like giving up, i'd always remember why i held on for so long in the first place. the truth is that you could slit my throat & with one last gasping breath, i would apologize for bleeding on your lovely shirt, yes, i would.

i love you with all that i am, & i'm so scared that my voice shakes along with my hands. i love you, always.

to my awesome lovely girls, thank you for always being there. thank you for showering me with all the love & concern all the time, even when i'm not in my darkest time. i've got the confidence to say now that 10 or 20 years down the road, when we all have got our own careers, families (or even kids), our bond will still be there. you all are a part of me. i love you, always.

to those who try to hurt me & break me, a big up-in-your-ass thank you. what else can i say? i know what i say & how i look does not define who i am, 'cos some of the most beautiful people do the ugliest things. i owe it to those who hate me, who disrespect me & who put me down. 'cos they're the ones who made me who i am today. & i'll keep my head up high, & not breaking down when they want me to.

2009 sure is quite a year. you have so much to be thankful for.

this part of my life doesn't come with erasers at 11:11 PM

death must be so beautiful.
to lie on the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head & listen to silence.
to have no yesterday & no tomorrow. to forget time, to forgive life & to be at peace. amen to that.

this part of my life doesn't come with erasers at 6:46 PM

David Cooverman: today, we look forward; look forward to getting out of here. but today, i'd also like to look back. look back on our 4 years here & our Buffalo Glenn High School, looking back not with anger but with no regrets. no regrets for what we wanted to do but did not, what we wanted to say but could not.

David Cooverman: & so i say here today the one thing i wished i had said, the one thing i know i will regret if i never say. i love you, Beth Cooper.

Beth Cooper: so i'm not Beth Cooper, huh?
Denis Cooverman: you heard that?
Beth Cooper: (silence)
Denis Cooverman: look, what i only meant was you didn't seem like the...
Beth Cooper: the Beth Cooper over your bed.
Denis Cooverman: right; her.
Beth Cooper: she'd never hook up with some loser over a 12 pack.
Denis Cooverman: no, she wouldn't. & you don't have to, you're better than that.

Denis Cooverman: so why did you even go out with him anyway?
Beth Cooper: in the beginning, he was sweet, he made me laugh. & when he smile...
Denis Cooverman: he's really hot.
Beth Cooper: i don't know. i guess it was the way how other girls looked at me when i was with him. how proud. i was that lucky girl that big strong army guy chose.
Denis Cooverman: doesn't it bothers you that he was kinda like...
Beth Cooper: an asshole?
Denis Cooverman: yeah.
Beth Cooper: i just made excuses for him, 'cos it's nice that you're wanted.
Denis Cooverman: i don't even get that. there are so many guys who would love to be with you.
Beth Cooper: yeah, for a night. maybe...

Beth Cooper: so do you still love me?
Denis Cooverman: yeah!
Beth Cooper: am i everything you ever masturbated to?
Denis Cooverman: no, it's not like that with you. i mean, you're different than i imagined. you're real, & scary, & exciting, & fun.
Beth Cooper: but i thought you said these wasn't fun.
Denis Cooverman: all my memories of high school are from the night.

Beth Cooper: i know high school wasn't great for you.
Denis Cooverman: no, it was... completely awful.
Beth Cooper: you see, the thing is, high school's really great for me. i got a great great ride. now, it's over. you, you're going to go off to become a doctor & cure cancer or whatever diseases there are. but this, this is about it for me.

this part of my life doesn't come with erasers at 2:27 PM

10 minutes ago, it suddenly occurs to me that it was Sunday today, & it wasn't the first time that it doesn't feel like a Sunday on a Sunday.

okay, maybe you people thinks that i'm not making any sense. whatever.

last night, i woke up at the most ungodly hour, ever. i just sit up in bed, stared at my window as the moonlight peered into my room. i can hardly open my eyes, i realised. i thought, "i must still be tired, or it must be my dramatic eyelash extensions weighing my eyelids down." then i let my myself fall back, my head hitting the pillow lightly & i allow my own thoughts to linger around for a bit.

i miss you, yes, i miss you so much that i thought i smell your scent in the atmosphere, it linger for a bit & it faded. & i gradually fall back to sleep.

i haven't heard from you. compared to the past, i'd considered all these communicating very pathetic. i never really said too much, 'cos i'm afraid it'd never ever be enough. it's not like i'm wanting anything in return. it's just that, i'm really scared. they say that you'll reap what you sow, but in my case, i don't think it is. but then again, it's not like i want you to see all the effort i'm putting in, it's not.

"or am i the only one making an effort?"

this is what i asked myself sometimes. i could have slap myself so hard for having such a selfish thought. but then again, you reminded me once that it takes 2 hands to clap.

i still believe, still believe in the whole "good things comes to those who wait" concept. but people who know me, will definitely know that i said, "good things comes to those who wait, but the best things comes to those who made an effort & believing in it."

yes, i made an effort, & i'll still continue in making more, & i'll believe in it.

i'm getting out of the house tomorrow. i'd need to go touch up my hideous lash extensions, so that it'd be pretty again. & maybe going to Far East to do my nails. i'll see. i need some solo therapy, badly.

this part of my life doesn't come with erasers at 8:32 PM

Needy Lesnicky: there's Jennifer. only back then, we were tight. sisters practically. people found it hard to believe that a babe like Jennifer would associates with a dork like me.

Jennifer Check: these are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction, & shit gets real.

Jennifer Check: i think the singer wants me.
Needy Lesnicky: only because he thinks you're a virgin. i heard them talking.
Jennifer Check: yeah, right. i'm not even a back-door virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. by the way, that *hurts*. i couldn't even go to flags the next day. i had to stay home & sit on a bag of frozen peas.

Needy Lesnicky: Colin's really nice.
Jennifer Check: he listens to maggot rock. he wears nail polish. my dick is bigger than his.

Nikoli Wolf: do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? there are so many of us, & we're all so cute & it's like if you don't get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope.

Needy Lesnicky: you know what? you were never a good friend. you stole my toys when we were little. you poured lemonade on my bed.
Jennifer Check: & now, i'm eating your boyfriend. at least, i'm consistent.
Needy Lesnicky: why do you need him, huh? you can have anybody that you want, Jennifer! so why Chip? is it just to tick me off? or is it just because you're just really insecure?
Jennifer Check: i am not insecure, Needy. God, that's a joke, how can i ever be insecure. i was the snowflake queen.
Needy Lesnicky: yeah, 2 years ago, when you were socially relevant.
Jennifer Check: i am still socially relevant.
Needy Lesnicky: & when you didn't need lexatives to stay skinny.
Jennifer Check: i am going to eat your soul, & shit it out, Lesnicky!

this part of my life doesn't come with erasers at 7:30 PM